And the Last Shall Be First
by Whisper2AScream
Summary: (S6 spoilers) Sometimes the most unlikely person can do the most good. Carpenter and fool, it's Xander's turn.
1. Come Talk to Me

Title: And the Last Shall Be First  
Author: Whisper2AScream  
Disclaimer: Ye ol' cover your ass plan, here we go: Xander, Willow, Buffy, and other mentioned characters aren't mine, they're Joss Whedon's, and Mutant Enemy. And Kuzui Productions, Twentieth Century Fox, and UPN affliates are probably in there somewhere too. Fair enough?  
Rating: PG-13 for language (including one F-bomb, whoopee-do) If you're old enough to watch the show, should be old enough for this.  
Spoilers: Up to and including Season 6, especially "Grave"  
Summary: (S6 spoilers, "Grave")Sometimes the most unlikeliest person can do the most good. Carpenter and fool, it's Xander's turn.   
A/N: hey, look, it's post-Grave fic that doesn't involve Buffy and Spike, what are the odds? Hehehehe, sorry, but it's getting a bit much. Hell, Spike barely got a few measly minutes of screen time just to satisfy JM's contract as a series regular in the two-parter. Though liked the Nirvana reference.  
  
---------------  
  
"I'm gonna do what I need to do   
'cause it's time to be what I need to be   
It's time to be what I need to be" - VAST, "Free"  
  
I listened to Anya's words, and a moment of clarity hit me. I had to go. Buffy will be ok, and if what Anya... no, if what Giles said is true, there's nothing she can do, and when did he show up anyway? Doesn't matter, have to keep going. Have to stop Willow before she destroys us. God, how weird is that? My best friend, one of the most important people in my life wants to kill us all. I still find it hard to believe.  
  
Part of my mind is saying why bother? What can I do? Oh yeah, talk her out of massacring everybody, not to mention she's a super powerful witch on rampage. Yeah, that'll work. Throw her a few zingers, try to remind her that we still care about her? Maybe just let her kill us, then at least won't have to live in the world without her. Hell, won't be me, or a world left... wait... wait...  
  
I run faster, thoughts starting to get clearer in my mind. Why shouldn't I be there? We've always been a part of each other's lives, so might as well go down together.   
  
And I could understand her pain. I wasn't as close to Tara as she was, but I still cared about her. She was a good friend, and yeah, I'll admit, Warren got what was coming to him. The bastard deserved it. I remember how he treated those girls in the club, like they were just things to be used, and discarded. Everything was disposable, easy to throw away. Like lives. Like Tara, Buffy, and that girl, Katrina, was it? And seriously, what were the courts going to do, really? Even if he was convicted, he might not serve that much jail time, plus I think he was beyond what hard time could do. But then again, did he deserved to be flayed like that? Hard to imagine anybody evil enough to deserve _that._   
  
Only now it had gone beyond simple vengeance. Even Anya had admitted as much. I still regret what I did to her, and now with her back like that, the likelihood of us ever getting back together was gone. She's back on the job, and all immortal demony again. Not the affectionate and cheerful girl I had wanted to grow old with once. But then that was before I knew that the happily ever after I wanted might not happen. No, it was possibilty of me turning out to be that monster. I had promised myself never to go that route, but what if I didn't have a choice? Ok, hell of a time to come to a decision on that, the day you're supposed to marry. I had just wanted our lives together to be perfect, and at even the chance otherwise, I ran away.   
  
That's been a big thing for me. Always running away, always hiding. Just because I typically couldn't fight. I was the Zeppo, the fifth wheel. The sarcastic sidekick to crack jokes all the while trying to keep from being killed. Like yesterday, seeing Warren raising the gun, and not doing anything. How stupid is that? To at least push her out the way, or yell look out! I didn't even try to stop him, and the next thing I know, two of my friends are bleeding their lifeblood out. The only reason Buffy survived was because of Willow. Ok, it was all black magicky Willow, which really makes me question the ends justifying the means. But she saved her because I couldn't.  
  
Not like I've saved lives... well, no that's not true. I have in the past. Came up with some good plans in the past, too. I'm not brainy like Willow or Giles, or good at fighting like Buffy, or know magic, but been able to help before. And now, apparently, I might be the only one to do so this time. "No magic or supernatural means" As in normal, average human. Got me written all that.   
  
Enough running away, this time I am going to do something right. I just hope I'm not too late... but then if I was, wouldn't be thinking that, or thinking or breathing in general by then. Wait... Wait...   
  
I can see her.  
  
"In search of you I feel my way,   
through the slowest heaving night  
Whatever fear invents, I swear it makes no sense  
I reach out through the border fence  
Come down, come talk to me" - Peter Gabriel, "Come Talk to Me" 


	2. Until It Sleeps

------------  
  
"I'll tear thee open make you gone  
No longer will you hurt anyone  
And the hate still shapes me  
So hold me until it sleeps" - Metallica, "Until It Sleeps"  
  
I could still see him. Warren, that blight, that cancer. It was so disgusting how easily he could end a life. Like it meant nothing to him. No, it did mean something. Ultimate power, being able to play God and decides who lives and dies. How dare he? How dare he existed only to take away someone so beautiful, so precious? She was my angel, my goddess, so strong, and full of life, light, and love. She came back to me, because I had gotten better. I was going to treat her right this time, and simply worship her as she deserved to be.   
  
Then, that bastard took everything away. Oh, sure he started crying like a little baby when I got him, but then, that look on his face when he said that his girlfriend had deserved her death. That was enough to seal his fate. I knew he had to burn, he had to burn and suffer for his crimes. Suffer...  
  
I falter a little. No, must do this. I have to end it. The world's suffering has gone on long enough. I can fix it. I can fix anything, I can make it better, I always have. I will make it right.  
  
I don't even have to speak anymore. The power flows through me like a river, like a storm. The temple rises before me, and I know it is time. Time to end this. Time to end everything. The words are simply there, I don't even have to think of them. Just appear in my head, isn't that nice? So simple.  
  
I hear my name in someone's thoughts. Buffy. Of course, going on how she has to stop me, and save the day again. Uh-uh, sweetie, not this time. I could see her struggling to escape from the ground. Trying to claw out of the earth again, like she did when I brought her back from the dead. Hmmm... gives me an idea. After all, she's Miss Like-to-fight. Might as well give her final wish to go down fighting the good fight. Easy peasy.  
  
There, that's taken care of. Now, only one more thing to do. Time to set the world on fire. I begin the ritual, and give myself over, letting the power go through me. It's getting harder to think, time to just let go...  
  
Then... wait, what the fuck is Xander doing here? Brave little carpenter, and still a fool. He can't stop me, what an utter waste. Wants me to stop, to wait. Yeah, like I'm going to stop and end the world later. I'm too powerful for anybody to stop me.   
  
So why am I afraid?  
  
"Don't want your aid  
But the fist I make  
For you, can't hold off fear  
No not on me  
So please excuse me  
While I tend to how I feel" - Metallica, "Hero of the Day" 


	3. No Words to Calm Me Down

------------  
  
"these are the days that are split down the middle   
no words to calm me down   
be sure that what you dream of   
won't come to hunt you out" - Bush, "Head Full of Ghosts"  
  
Stupid, going to stop me by declaring your undying love? A little late, aren't you? You couldn't tell Willow this years ago when she... I pined for you? When I thought the sun rose and set upon you? When a look or a smile from you meant everything? Idiot!  
  
*I fall down, wincing from the blow. Aaaghhh, ok, heard something go crack, bad sign. Probably a couple of ribs.*  
  
I hurt him. I hurt Xander, my best friend. No, pathetic Willowy thoughts, go away, junkie. Go cry in your corner some more, it'll be over soon. I start again.  
  
*Gotta get up. ...Did it. Please, Willow, I know you're not like this. Maybe I can't stop you, but I have to be here. I have to know that it's still you. My Willow. The little girl who was so smart, and so serious. The girl I had to get to smile, to laugh.*  
  
Dammit, shut the hell up already! Don't call me that name. I'm not that sad little girl anymore. Why are you wasting your time like this? Nobody can stop, especially you, the fool.  
  
*Please listen me Willow. Just stop and listen. Maybe if I can remind her of that little girl, that beautiful little girl that I loved, and wanted to protect. The girl who had grown into the woman I love. My best friend, you're so important to me. Why are you doing this? Willow?*  
  
I told you to shut up, and don't ever call me that. That's not me, not me! Willow was a loser, a stupid little girl who could never be loved, never be understood. Had to hide. Use magick to pretend she was strong. And the only one she didn't have to pretend to is dead. Nothing else matters. Not even life.  
  
*Please, listen to me. Love you. Don't do this.*  
  
Shut up. Stop it! Don't make me hurt you. Please.  
  
*Please listen, love you, please. Stop this.*  
  
No, stop. Please. Don't. Don't say that.  
  
*Please, love*  
  
Don't. Please.  
  
*I love you, Willow. Come back to us, come back to me.*  
  
Please stop. Can't come back. I'm not Willow....   
  
I'm scared.   
  
Oh God, I can barely look at him through the tears, and he's putting his arms around me anyway, still saying those words. Those words that I didn't want to hear. The words I had wanted to hear for years from his lips. Why? How can you after what I did to you? What I did to everybody? What I almost did. Why?  
  
"So tear me open and pour me out  
There's things inside that scream and shout  
And the pain still hates me  
So hold me until it sleeps" - Metallica, "Until It Sleeps" 


	4. Smiling Next to You in Silent Lucidity

--------------  
  
Hours later it seems, and I'm just holding her, still whispering, "I love you." And I do. More than I realized when I was younger. No matter what had happened to us, it was always there. Even if we try to deny it, or hide it, like during the Fluke. But that was in the past. And her hair's back to that beautiful red shade, not all black like before. Her tears were soaking into my shirt, and I was probably bleeding on her outfit, but that didn't matter now. Right now, it was simply a time of comfort and forgiveness. And above all else, love.  
  
I could hear her hiccuping sobs as her crying winded down. Her frame sagged against me, indicating her level of exhaustion. She had been up for hours without a break after all. Running on fury and magick. Now that was gone, and there was just Willow. So frightened and upset. I continued shushing her, and glanced down to see her eyes closing. Yep, definitely tired. Her sobs had died away into the soft sounds of her breathing. I remember when we had sleepovers as kids, and she slept so quietly. Though according to her, and Jesse, I snored loudly. Well, don't know about that. Though Anya did complain about that sometimes, too.   
  
God, I completely screwed things up. But maybe she'll be happy now. See? I can do something right after all. Not so useless maybe. And perhaps... no. Water under the bridge, and we can't go back to that again. Not after everything. Not after what we did to each other. Guess I'm not meant to be with anybody.  
  
I looked down again, and saw her face, still sad, but now slack with sleep. I bent down and gently kissed her forehead. She didn't wake, but her expression relaxed a little. Poor girl. Looks like Fate doesn't want either of us to be happy, does it? Or Buffy. Or Giles. Seems like all our relationships crash and burn.   
  
I shifted Willow into my arms so it was easier to carry her. All the lifting I had been on the job certainly had paid off. Who needs to waste money in a gym? Get a great workout, and get paid for it. Not a bad combo. And it's something else I'm good at it.   
  
So maybe there's hope. Even for us.   
  
I glance up at the sunny sky as I carried her down the hill.  
  
Looks like it's going to be a nice day.   
  
"Hush now, don't you cry  
Wipe away the teardrop from your eye  
You're lying safe in bed  
It was all a bad dream  
Spinning in your head  
Your mind tricked you to feel the pain  
Of someone close to you leaving the game of life  
So here it is, another chance  
Wide awake you face the day  
Your dream is over... or has it just begun?" - Queenscryche, "Silent Lucidity" 


End file.
